If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
there was a trapeze. enough said
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
