i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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