I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
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