Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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