i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
