I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
