why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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