She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
