1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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