The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
not ubering you a puppy
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
