The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
