shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
