Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
