the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
