i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
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I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
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btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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