I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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