Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
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is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
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That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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