When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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