she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize