I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I did not marry a roomba.
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