and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
