Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
