Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
