you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
