Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
