my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
