My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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