Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
