the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
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There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
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There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I am one with the molecules
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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