Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
