I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
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i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
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I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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