I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.