So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
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He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
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Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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