So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
