if i can run in heels then i can drive
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
