Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
