i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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