I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
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My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
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well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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