I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
