mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
