Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
