Pappa wants mamma naked
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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