I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
why do cheetos always look like penises
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
