And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
