i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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