Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
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Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
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He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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