Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
