I'm drive I can fine osifer
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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