He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
