Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You are the jesus of drinking
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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