My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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