my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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