Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
