morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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