Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
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I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
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MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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